To the woman that crapped in my car? – m4w

by Slaus is a Reading Azz Reader. on February 9, 2009

Craigslist is always good for some f--gary. Peep how this date when terribly terribly wrong.

To the woman that crapped in my car? – m4w

I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early?Touch??

Dude is a better man than me because if a chick shat her drawls anywhere within a 50 yard radius of me, there will not be any repeat dates… not at all. not never.

Have any of you ever tried to gamble with a poot and almost shat yourself?

Fellas, if this happened to you, would you call her back?

Tell a friend, tell ya momma, tell that one heffa you hate!

{ 47 comments }

1 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 11:31 am: Man, if I know I’m gonna hook up with a woman in the evening, WOLF IS GONNA HAVE CLEAN BOWELS! Not touching cheese, milk or anything provocative. The last thing I want to do is to focus on the wrong thing when I’m out with a lady.
2 AppleJacque February 9, 2009 at 11:36 am: Ole girl SHARTTED. There’s no coming back from dat shyt,….LITERALLY.

I SWEAR, this sounds like something from The Onion.com or in one of their books. They shyt have me DYING.

A true playa’s bowels will come to a screeching halt when it comes to trying to get the drawlz,…but dat’s just me,…
3 That Heffa Bella February 9, 2009 at 11:40 am: we have ALL had that happen to us at some point in time or other but for her to even have the nerve to think it was OKAY to sneak a poot in an enclosed area was bad enough. u can’t even run from that man.

b---h u post to sneak that s--t out in a crowded area so nobody knows where to place the blame or PREFERABLY excuse yourself to the ladies room n THEN blast off… but pootin in cars only to have shat yourself? on a first date at that? really ma’am?

no class, no class at all.
4 psufanfall99 February 9, 2009 at 11:42 am: Eeeeeewwwwwwwwww! And on heated leather seats. His car probably still smells like booty juice and trash truck garbage.
5 Z'maji, Still Clutchin Sammiez Granny Panniez February 9, 2009 at 11:46 am: Now C’mon chil’ren! We’ve all “gambled on a fart” before and just knew it was only wind, only to wind up with a crack full of wet. She’s wrong for puttin chum on his heated leather tho………..Now that would be a good reason for Brownie beat down RiRi!
6 MsLizziA February 9, 2009 at 11:46 am: Man i can’t even count the time that this almost happened to me.

Thas y you gotta easy it out and get a feel for wuss goin on. Don’t just let it rip. If you feel a liquidy substance about to errupt from you a-hole or a log bout to pushout, squeeze ya ass together real tight then run to the bathroom.

There are ways to stop that nasty s--t
7 TinaBaby - El Guapo Sec. o State & owner of million dollar drawls February 9, 2009 at 11:55 am: She must be one hell of a woman cuz if I dropped a dookie on the seat C’s NOW & we’ve been married 11yrs there would be some questions invovled.
8 wildwhuck February 9, 2009 at 11:57 am: i have never shat in my draws but once i was on the toilet thought i just was farting and a little turd flew out my ass. i was so offended, i mean damn what if i was out and that happened
9 AppleJacque February 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm: Real Talk,…

Hollywood Diet 2 days straight + good pair of office slacks = sharted in front of Wifey and Son and throwing said pants away.

,…and I was 2 feet away from the bathroom,….
10 Z'maji, Still Clutchin Sammiez Granny Panniez February 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm: ^^sometimes, no matter how hard you clench, that explosion just will not be denied……*sad face*
11 blujewel February 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm: LMBAO! I’ve gambled on some farts, but hell no would I do that 1) in a confined space 2) on a first date and 3) around someone I don’t know.

WOW! Talk about an embarrassing situation, but kudos to dude for trying to make light of it all.

Love to live; live to love!
12 SmithnPdx February 9, 2009 at 12:14 pm: Oh Lawd…that is from out here in the great NW….I know from the McMenamins and Terminator Stout nod. That is such a Pdx typa thing!
13 bishopX February 9, 2009 at 12:16 pm: I been married for 10 years, and if my wife shat herself in my car, and she wasn’t drunk as f--k, we’d have some problems. I can’t even think about what would have happened had it been at date, I do know she’d be dropped at the nearest starbucks to wait for a cab while I went got my s--t detailed.
14 Slaus member of the SSoBN February 9, 2009 at 12:21 pm: @ bishopx – fo real man im working on 10 years next year and I love my wife more than life itself.

but if she ever accidentally shat in the car and it wasnt due to being drunk and or sick?

i might have to tazer her in the face
15 AppleJacque February 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm: Wifey’s grandma did that shyt in Wifey’s car.

Note to self: Yet another reason to not let people on Wifey’s mothers side of the family ride in my car.
16 Can't Take It February 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm: *can’t even post*

*CTFU too much*
17 Can't Take It February 9, 2009 at 12:27 pm: Damn…we have that book in the library here. *snorting*
18 QQ February 9, 2009 at 12:31 pm: But arent you happy I shared this gift with you guyses??? oooooh that was an email thread I’d rather soon forget (yes Thing 1, I’m looking at you)
19 Minista February 9, 2009 at 12:31 pm: Can’t….stop….laughing…
*Dead @ “if u intentionally shat yourself to end the date early..touche’ “_____________________________________________________
20 Minista February 9, 2009 at 12:34 pm: And 2 answer the question…Hell naw I aint callin back.U know how hard it is to get that dookie smell out?
21 MsLizziA February 9, 2009 at 12:37 pm: This is a nasty ass topic
22 Minista February 9, 2009 at 12:38 pm: Yeah @lizzia…specially comment # 6
23 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 12:39 pm: I can’t believe this thread has gone on this long!
There would not be a second date.
24 Wanna February 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm: “fo real man im working on 10 years next year and I love my wife more than life itself.
but if she ever accidentally shat in the car and it wasnt due to being drunk and or sick?
i might have to tazer her in the face” — Slaus

LMAO – You hush it. You don’t have to worry about me – I’ve never had this problem. I haven’t even almost accidentally shyt myself. My anus is way too tight for that, and I hardly fart outside of the bathroom as it. Why? Because I’m regular, thank you.
25 Can't Take It February 9, 2009 at 12:53 pm: @QQ – I was NOT the one who said “toasted doo-doo”, thank you!!
26 Ms. Diva February 9, 2009 at 12:55 pm: An ex of mine told me a story of how he went on a date with this woman and as he put it, ’she s--tted in my front seat.’ He said they were driving along and she started moaning and groaning and the next thing he knew the odor hit him. He was pissed!

And he was one of those dudes who was always washing his car and making sure the tires were armor-all-ed, etc.

I swore he was lying about that as I couldn’t imagine a grown woman just shytting in somebody’s car like that. Hell, when I’m going on a date, I’m careful about what I eat, I bring my gas-x just in case and always excuse myself to ‘powder my nose’ if I feel a fart coming on.

And if we were driving, I would have found a creative way to get him to stop the car so I could let that out without shytting on myself or in the car no less.

Co-sign with blujewel. And real talk, if I was a dude and experienced that, I would have made that b---h walk home from wherever the f--g we were.
27 Ms. Diva February 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm: Dead @ Wanna being ‘regular.’ LOL I hear you though.
28 Ms.K(Yep I Said It. . .) February 9, 2009 at 1:14 pm: his Ad is awesome!
29 jaila February 9, 2009 at 3:00 pm: lol @ folks and their s--t problems. Don’t piss me off and come to my house and drink the tea ok?
30 MsLizziA February 9, 2009 at 3:24 pm: @Minista: Piss on you
31 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm: I swear. You guys remind me of my ex-partners. Whenever we would have a meeting to talk about the mag that we were publishing, they would literally start talking about shyt. “Do you remain squatting when you wipe, or do you stand up and let it get “muddy” between the cheeks?” This conversation would go on until I put a stop to it.
::shakes head::
32 TinaBaby February 9, 2009 at 3:31 pm: “do you stand up and let it get ?muddy? between the cheeks??

I. AM. THROUGH.
33 Nicole February 9, 2009 at 3:38 pm: @Wil,

I’ont even live here and you are put out forever more, DO.NOT.RETURN for:

?Do you remain squatting when you wipe, or do you stand up and let it get ?muddy? between the cheeks??

Shank you very much.
ps. How are you able to be so prolific on these innanets? Are you retired?

pss: And, finally, I saw “Guapo” scratched in the cement of my garage and fell out laughing. Is he tagging parking garages??
34 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 3:43 pm: Nicole: I’m a guy who’s trying to write as much as possible, and who keeps procrastinating with you guys. I do some freelance from the house.
Speaking of house, the mortgage is paid up, so there’s no need to go out there and hustle for an office job. I can focus on my writing and the beach.
Graffiti in cement would explain why I’ve been waking up tired. Thanks for the heads up.
35 Ava Dior February 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm: im literally in tears laughing at this s--t.
36 Nicole February 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm: Hmmm, a paid for beach house…do you believe in polyandry?? Hubby would share if it meant he’s able to visit occasionally =)

Its not a shack is it?? I’m not that cheap =P
37 london February 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm: pun intended ava?

i got to ‘muddy between the cheeks’ and inhaled my drink while it was in my mouth.. it was the last drop of a great chablis that i was saving til i had finished all my study work for this evening…..

you all owe me!!!
38 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm: Not the beach house. My friend owns the beach house. I share the house with my ex-wife and sleep in different quarters. I sleep in an ivy covered tower separate from the main house. I wish I had a fireman’s pole, but I don’t.
I try to go to the beach as much as possible, but it hasn’t been lately.

So, that answer your question? There’s no more mystery
39 Wanna February 9, 2009 at 4:26 pm: “Speaking of house, the mortgage is paid up, so there?s no need to go out there and hustle for an office job. I can focus on my writing and the beach.” — Wilfredo

I want to be like Wil when I grow up
40 Ms.K(Yep I Said It. . .) February 9, 2009 at 4:36 pm: Don’t we all Wanna! lol
41 london February 9, 2009 at 4:36 pm: @ wilf.. you are living my life… except the fisherman’s pole.. that would not be on my list of wishes… and maybe the ex living in the same building.. unless the fishing pole is for the ex…

but for some sun sea and sand i would swap gladly at this moment in time…..
42 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 4:40 pm: ::blush::
43 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 4:41 pm: It’s a firemen’s pole, london. You know, to slide down. C’mon you know that would be fun!
44 Nicole February 9, 2009 at 4:44 pm: Ummm, ok, if you are going to ask me to “Tell yo friends ’bout us:” then the link on my facebook page MIGHT want to work!!
45 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm: ????
46 Z'maji, Still Clutchin Sammiez Granny Panniez February 9, 2009 at 7:29 pm: *reads about WIL livin the good life in towers like Rapunzel and such*

Say uh, WILLIAM, you can let me hold somethin till pay-day………….nothin major just $5000.

*waits*

*opens SLAUS’ box of CrunchBerriez*
47 Wilfredo February 9, 2009 at 11:32 pm: Z: LOL. Dude, if you’re gonna hit me up for a loan, you should get my name right –especially if I have it written all over this thread.
Anyway, I’m just not liquid.