Dr. Wanna’s Relationship Talk - Her vs Them
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Dear Dr. Wanna -
My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for half that time. I love her, but lately I am feeling as if she doesn’t really know me. I am not like most other men that I know. I never have been interested in chasing tail just for the sake of the conquest: casual sex is not and has not been my thing. I don’t give a shyt about appearances or what other dudes think and I freely speak my mind, and so because of this I don’t really have any male friends. All of my friends and closest associates are all females. And they are just that - friends. She knows this. She has always known this. But lately she has been really tripping about me spending time with my friends. When I try to include her, she always cops an attitude about how she has not interest in meeting any of my “little girl friends”. So I say fine, and I hang out with my girls without her. But she STILL gets pissed. She’s started accusing me of cheating on her, or of wanting to cheat on her, and no matter how much I tell her that is not the case she won’t budge. And no - I have never cheated on her before, not in 15 muthafu*king years.
We are at the point now where she is trying to force me to decide between her or my female friends. But see, if I get rid of all of my female friends, I won’t have any friends at all. And she has not been my friend in a long time - she obviously does not even know who I am anymore. I’ve always had female friends, I’ve always hung out a couple of times a month and I’ve NEVER slept around for the sake of a nut. If she don’t know me by now, she’s not going to ever know me. I want this marriage to work but she is frustrating me to the point where I am beginning not to care anymore. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS
***
Dear Readers of O Hell Nawl -
Short of recommending marriage counseling for this couple with a professional shrink, I do not know what to tell this patient. He and I have chatted over the phone about this and everything I suggested ending up sending us in a full circle. I won’t tell you what all I said - I’ll just ask you guys to share whatever advice YOU would give NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS, so I can see what you all come up with.
SOME TIDBITS:
- They have 2 children
- She’s gained some weight, which she hates but he LOVES (she went from say a size 6 to a 16)
- He really doesn’t like the idea of divorce, but she isn’t interested in a lot of the things he is anymore and he would be lonely without friends
** pats hand on my couch ** Have a seat and let’s discuss!
Good Loving!
– Dr. Wanna
If you have a letter or a topic you would like Dr. Wanna to address, please send an email to doctorwanna@gmail.com. Like a good doctor, I promise to keep your identity completely confidential.
Posted in Dr. Wanna, relationships
October 15th, 2008 at 8:43 am
woooooooooow. This seems to be doomed from jump. IMO Friendship with your partner is important. That should be the foundation of the relationship. The whole weight thing isn’t that big of a deal it just adds on top of the initial problems.
October 15th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I agree with B that friendship should be the basis for any relationship…
how did they even get together…
I’m like you Doc I have no clue what to tell homie…
Marriage counseling would be good…but wifey needs counseling on her own…she’s insecure…and only she can fix that…
wow…
October 15th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Bef began touching on what I wanted to say. I don’t think she’s just magically not interested in what he is anymore…I think she’s not interested in HERSELF anymore and it is spilling over into her relationship with her husband. She already feels bad about herself so I’m sure the hanging out with other women thing isn’t helping. I think he needs to encourage his wife (not sure how) to rediscover herself, and get back into taking care of herself. Once she feels better about herself, she’ll prolly feel better about the relationship. As it is now, she since she is disgusted with herself…she thinks she doesn’t deserve for him to still be interested. Thus the insecurities.
I odn’t think this is something that can’t be fixed…but he gott work with his wife on this one and try to get the friendship back and encourage her to learn to love herself again.
October 15th, 2008 at 8:56 am
I’m saying Beth, sounds like wife got some personal issues and she’s about to lose her man. You can only push a man so far and he will not only cheat but he will skydive into the next pussy that shows him some real attention. Whether my man is thinking about it right now or not, men will snap. I grew up having mostly male best friends and I have watched some of them in situations like this. I tried to tell their chicks to fall back but they wouldn’t listen and they ended up dusted and disgusted when my boys dip on them.
So to your patient I say this, tell your wife flat out that you’re not feeling her and her bullshit. If she keeps it up then you might be ready to bounce. Don’t hold back any of your feelings because maybe it will set off an alarm in her head that she needs to get herself together. If she still doesn’t change then you’ll have to decide if you want to stay or do the healthy thing and leave the relationship for a while.
October 15th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I actually dealt with a situation sort of like this in my marriage before it ended — and the issue that actually came out in the marriage counseling sessions that we went through in a last ditch effort to save things was that my ex wanted me to “settle down and grow up” and I kept complaining that she had “forgotten how to have fun.”
And it was sort of this double edged sword, because my female friends were more fun to hang out with than my ex, but I’ve come to realize that telling her that or even wordlessly being more excited abotu hanging out with them was in essence disrespectful to her as a partner.
Even though we couldn’t work it out (there were other factors, but they’re not relevant here) — I feel like the situation is similar in some ways.
It’s possible that the longtime platonic friends this guy is trying to hold onto represent qualities that his wife either dislikes, feels she can’t compete with, or actually resents that the husband enjoys.
My ex had a real problem with me going out and having a few drinks now and then. My female friends didn’t. My female coworker friends were younger, which wasnt why they were my friends — but was a problem too.
But the worst thing was that (and I think this is the point I most want to offer) — even when I was spending time with my ex wife instead of the female friends, most of my conversational material came from the interactions I had with those women (many whom I worked with).
My relationship had it’s share of problems, but dinner conversations where I didn’t always realize that retelling funny stories some other girl told me to the woman I was married to and mentioning her name every minute or so wasn’t doing anything to help fix the gap that was building between the two of us.
If the women friends you have are truly your friends and you truly love your wife, then you need to tell them (as many men have had to tell their male friends) that you need to take a little break and focus on the marriage a little more. Take a weekend vacation, shut off the cell phone, make a conscious effort to put your wife back in the role of being the #1 woman you spend time with and talk about.
If it’s worth saving, then the other female friends you have should be complaining that you like your wife too much, you know?
Just my 2 cents.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
” IMO Friendship with your partner is important.” — babyfacedassassin
“how did they even get together…” — Bef
According to NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS, things weren’t always like this. They used to be good friends.
Hex: Thank you for sharing your experience on this, the insight you have provided is very interesting, indeed, and may have some truth in this fellow’s situation.
TIDBIT: The patient says that recently she became a born-again Christian, stopped drinking and smoking and going out with him like she used to. She’s changed, but he hasn’t.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Also, another tidbit:
According to the husband, the only kind of counsel this woman is willing to seek is spiritual. He doesn’t think that will help them with their specific set of problems, however, and so the one time he suggested getting help to her, it led to an argument ….
Thoughts?
October 15th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Well this is a little tidbit that certainly thickens the soup — because in my experience people don’t usually become born again on a whim, there’s usually something that triggers their desire to be born again.
Something must have happened.
And no disrespect to the religion, but there’s few things more fun than a marriage where one person decides to get born again and the other one doesn’t.
Because in this case the female friends who like to go out and have a good time aren’t just causes of insecurity, they’re sinners that are blocking you from seeing the light.
Honestly, these are 2 different issues all of the sudden IMO.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:21 am
there is christian counseling and it’s not always in the church
now where is he in his spiritual walk…is he even trying ot have a spiritual walk?
that can cause a great deal of issues…
and sometimes…sometimes I said….
when someone is “new” to Christ…
they take it to the 10th power…because that is the only they see fit to keep their faith intact…if that makes sense…
as she gets more comfortable in her “new life” she may act differently….but that becomes a waiting game for him….
October 15th, 2008 at 10:46 am
dude is fugged.
Im sorry but relationships do NOT work when their core values are different.
That opposites atttract dogma is misleading to people who take it literally, because core values can NOT be opposites imo.
If you like fruity pebbles and they like captian crunch.. no big deal.
You like Cowboy bebop, they like greys anatomy… no big deal.
but if YOU like reading the book of shadows and praying tot he goddess, and they pray to jesus with a bible, then you are NOT going to work.
period.
He is either going to have to wait for her to come back down to reality with a lil less bible thumping, or he is gonna have to come up to her spiritual level.
:: shrugs :: or get a girlfriend.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Children make do make things tougher. Had it not been for that I would’ve suggested that they would have a trial separation, but then in her mind she’d think that he’s picking his friends over her, and use the kids as weapons, when it is ultimately her problem. Were I in his place, I would try to make her as secure as possible, but nothing he says or does will help if she’s convinced she’s a physical beast. With the exception of the children, I’ve been in that situation before, and even then it took a very long time to split up.
He, on the other hand, has to determine what life would be like without her, and if his friends will fill that void left in the separation. The answer to that is “no”. Friends help, but they’re not there to replace something in your heart. I hope he’ll realize that.
He should ask her if one of their children is very ill, would they seek spiritual healing, or go directly to the hospital? It’s the same thing with a relationship. Her refusal to go to a counselor is saying that she’s willing to let a relationship die.
I hope I made sense.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Dang Wil, that was deep. You hit the nail on the head with that last statement.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Sup,
Hey Slaus and ‘em, I missed yall, I got in a car accident so its been an experience to say the least.
Ok on dude, I would say that wifey needs some counseling, she seems of average size especially if she’s black but 10 dress sizes is a pretty big jump for anyone and I’m sure that she’s really insecure about it. I think if hubby really wants it to work he’ll cool it with the friends at least for a little while and spend some quality time with her. And if her weight is bothering her so much maybe they can take up some physical activity together. But key thing is he married her not his friends, and wifey should come first. Now if that doesn’t work then he tried and he’ll have to pray for help on that one.
Peace.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
well sooo many things here are fucked UP!
Her size and self assessment: Um get on it gf, do something to make yourself feel good, if your weight ain’t cutting it for YOU, YOU need to do something about it YOURSELF
Did you meet him with Friends of the Girl Variety??? did you take him like so?? yes? No? why is it an issue now?
The Born again thing: Accckk I can’t even touch that I’ve drifted apart from the sister who used to sleep and bunk in the same bed as me even as adults over that ridiculous zeal and fingerpointing, conversely … She wasn’t the person I chose to marry and follow, Maybe he needs to attend church for her some and she needs to ease up off of his OLD habits that she met him with0. THAT is a serious impasse though
and, um Dude: The “girlfriends ARE NOT helping I have MANY many MANY a guy friend which I fall back from hanging out with when they either: have issues with their woman/ Consistently don’t involve them, a true friend wouldn’t want to even put you in the position to intimate anything much less take anything even to the level of “platonic”
And a true husband with no intentions of going there would recognize the fact that he needs to respect and honor his wife feelings especially with the delicate set of issues going on and tell his girl-friends to fall back while you go to both Spiritual AND secular counseling (so each of you get what you want)
this sucks and stinks though! Majorly, never cool to deal with this shit, much less with kids in the picture
October 15th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Thank you, Sammydeen. It was at that last paragraph when the caffeine kicked in.
Q, I’ll agree to the family comes first part. I think family is fundamental, and he should ease off in hanging with his friends. But why should he go to church? Hell, if I was in that situation, the last place I would be is in the church that my wife got all turned around.
Oh yeah, Dr. Wanna, what are his beliefs?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
“now where is he in his spiritual walk…is he even trying ot have a spiritual walk?” – Bef
Well, I first met this guy myself like 18 years ago. Over the years, he has DEFINITELY grown tremendously from a spiritual perspective. Religion-wise though - he is not on any path. He has no interest in being born-again or really belonging to any church. Now, he did used to go to church with her every so often, when she went to one that he liked and respected what they were doing for the community. However, she developed some issues there, and joined another church which he does not like one bit.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Dude…if ur not happy leave. Ur not doin ur Kids any favors by sticking around in a situation that fucks with u mentally or spiritually because eventually they will suffer anyway.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
no Wilfredo I myself despise organized religion
but if my significant other is willing to compromise and/or leave me be and attend counseling SECULAR counseling… SHIT I’ll try to go there in high holidays and to see their viewpoint
But is a thing like Wanna say you can have growth and introspection and spirituality without all that other stuff, only this is not their case and unless they both at least go 5/50 if not 80/80
ain’t nothing going to be fixed
October 15th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Q, I understand when he got married that he also signed up to do whatever possible to maintain a certain harmony, especially with children, but so did she.
I’m all for personal growth and for a couple to grow together (as corny as it sounds), but if I’m thinking, with the limited data that has been presented to us, that she has changed radically the conditions of the contract that is marriage. So I think they should renegotiate that contract and try to iron out what is fair for both parties. But they both have to want to.
Not Like Other Guys: you need to moderate your hanging out habits, ’cause your wife needs you!
Wife: recognize that a lot of that stems from your insecurities, and recognize that he too is in turmoil.
Both parties: think of the kids!
October 15th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Can’t add anything here that hasn’t already been said. They’ve got some serious talking ahead.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I think it’s unfair to call her insecure. It is really the norm for men to have women as the gender of choice for friends. I’ve put myself in the wife’s position and I think I’d be uncomfortable with his friendships. I wouldn’t want to make him chose between me and his friends, though. To ease my mind I would have opted to meet them and hang out when my husband extended the invitation. The guy’s wife is being stubborn and unreasonble without taking him up on the offer. When a man is keeping his female friends a secret that is grounds for being suspcious and reason to start throwing out ultimatums….I hope what I said makes sense. I’m very intoxicated from the debate.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
oops…I mean it isn’t really the norm.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
In this case he doesn’t seem to be keeping his female friends a secret. He is even trying to share stories about them with her and she’s too caught up being slightly jealous. If you don’t want someone else to be the best friend of your man then YOU do it. Get to know what he likes and what he likes to do.
I believe as a woman that you need to do what you have to do (within reason) to keep your home happy also. If you keep leaving the door open for him to dip on you then eventually he will do it. What one woman won’t…another one will. I’m praying for both the writer of this letter and his wife. This is sticky
October 15th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Sammy, it doesn’t even same like it’s case of whether or not he is making other women his bestfriend over his wife. It’s just that the majority of his friends are women and his wife is comfortable with it. I’d probably feel the same way because I don’t trust any woman around my man because heffas can be extremely scandalous. People may argue that it doesn’t matter as long as your main is strong and you trust that he will remain loyal. Well, temptation is a muthafucka and I wouldn’t want my man to be in a situation to where he had to shake of feelings of lust. As you said sammy, this is hella sticky. I wish them the best.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:19 am
TH, a man has to shake off feelings of lust on a REGULAR basis. IMO any woman who spends her time worrying about whether her man will fall prey to temptation is a fool. You CANNOT stop a man from cheating. If its in his heart to do it, it will be done. Your job is to be the wife, friend and lover he needs you to be. Be the woman YOU need u to be and the rest will fall into place. I think a lot of woman lose themselves tryin to keep their man faithful.
You cannot make a man be a man. He either is or he is not. Period.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Oh and on the subject. Staying together for the kids is NEVER a good idea.
These two need to come together and identify that there is a problem and then go about solving it. If they can’t come together and acknowledge a break down in the relationship then its done for. They are just going through the motions. The minute these two stopped operating as a superhero team fighting the world together, the relationship fell apart. He doin his thing she doing hers…they just share a residence. IMO they are already divorced, they just pretending to be married. :: shrugs ::
October 16th, 2008 at 9:00 am
I totally agree with Jaila’s 7:19am comment. That’s my whole point right there
October 16th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Jaila, is that right? Ok so is it cool if I have dinner with your man this evening?
October 16th, 2008 at 10:36 am
The day my wife and I start acting more like Lex and Superman, and less like VOltron, it’s a wrap.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:16 am
@ Slaus
you bloody nerd you!
Damnit!
October 16th, 2008 at 11:21 am
TH why certainly. I’ll even cook for u. Be sure to wear something sexy.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I’m gonna pop in on Jaila’s 7:26 comment and second that shyt up, down and sideways. My parents did that shyt, and didn’t end up divorcing until 5 years ago. They had slept together(or in the same room), for more than 10 years. Then my father wants to come to me and ask what I thought about him and mom splitting.
“Should’ve done it a LONG time ago”
He was shocked as hell. Not that he had the right to be, since he’d been cheating on my mom from jump.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:41 am
*so proud of Slaus for the Voltron comment*
October 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Truth Hurts - I see very much where you are coming from, to a certain extent.
There is a reason why I personally don’t have very many male friends, especially single ones. I feel that most - not all, but most - men don’t tend to go looking for female friends. It seems like guys usually end up friends with the women who at one point they wanted, or who wanted them, but for whatever reason they ended up in the friend zone. So even though there may be no disrespect or anything inappropriate happening between me and my guy friends, there still tends to be some kind of sexual tension there in the background if we are hanging out in person. But that’s just been my personal experience. Anyways, you will almost never see me tell my husband that I’m about to go hang out with my male friends (even though Slaus would not have a problem with that), because I won’t anymore. Not even with the married ones.
EXCEPT for the one who wrote this letter. IF this guy has any sexual attraction to me whatsoever, he does an awesome job of hiding it, and I appreciate that. And I suspect he is like that with his other female friends, too. It is ironic to me that HE of all men is in this situation.
And then there is my husband. As long as he doesn’t give me a reason not to trust him, I am comfortable with him having female friends.
My point? It should not matter whether or not you trust his female friends, what matters is whether or not you trust him. If you don’t, your relationship has issues whether or not he has a lot of female friends or not.
October 16th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Jaila & Wanna…ya’ll better say that shyt!!!
95% of my friends are of the male gender…and any man I’m involved with who has a problem with it can kick rocks. These have been my friends for years…waaaaay longer than I’ve known any man I’ve ever dated…and they aren’t going anywhere.
I tell any man I’m with that if they have a problem with me having male friends, then they’re disrespecting me. They may as well be calling me a liar, cheater or unfaithful…you’re basically saying it’s ME you dont trust.
Same thing if my dude has female friends. There’s no way I expect him to give up friends who have been there for him before I came into the picture. And *poppin my collar* I damn sure aint worried ’bout no heffa takin my man, cause if you can do that…he wasn’t my man to begin with. Far as I’m concerned…we should all be able to get together and have a good ass time…me, my man, my male friends, his female friends.
Hell, it’t thru this type of trust & understanding that, though my relationship may not have worked, our friends have gotten together and some formed lasting relationships.
Get some counseling. She aint down with it (ESPECIALLY for the sake of the children), get the hell out!
October 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Long as Esther BAxter don’t wanna be friends, we straight.
… cuz i’ll friend the shyt outta that.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
…just when i got to the point where i thought slaus and i could coexist in this world.
*adds him to the hitlist*
October 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
:: perches on karrie B’s shoulders and gargoyle humps her fo’head ::
October 16th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
dead at ::gargoyle hump: Ih8u!